I’ve been in a weird place recently, struggling with mental health and trying to integrate myself back into working life. It’s been tough, and I’ve probably been too quiet about it at times. But where I have articulated the stuff that’s happening to me it’s helped, and for those around me who have listened it’s allowed them to understand me better and seems to have helped them process stuff about their own emotional wellbeing too. And where I thought I’d push people away or burden them I’ve had kindness reflected back at me and I’ll be forever thankful. They get to glimpse little bits of what’s happening behind my resting poker face and we’re all growing.
I’m not free of the weird place, and maybe it’s not a place you get to escape from fully. But finding the will to look after myself has made me refocus on the things that matter in life whilst building up the momentum to do things just for me.
Most of the world seems very focused on what they individually need and want to do and not nearly as focused on what would be good for everyone else. But my brain has never been wired that way. Mine’s back to front where I give much of my energy trying to help others and forget to check where I’m at.
Recently I’ve started making wild unfounded claims that I’m going to deliberately be more selfish to counter this, which let’s be honest isn’t happening. But I am focusing on the things I like and that make me me, simple things like going out to see and do the things I want to do. I’m trying to enjoy moments for what they are, rather than overthinking how they came about or if the right people are there. Or overthinking the purpose of things.
So my selfish escape methods have included walks, cinema going, lots of art, trawling music, relearning to enjoy time on my own, and the invaluable support of good friends and family.
I have another escape method in the works too. On Feb 25th I sorted myself out with new web hosting, and so Pancake Day (aka Shrove Tuesday in the UK) became my Web liberation day. I want to start writing about things that are important to me and might be important to others. And maybe baby I have some web project ideas I want to flex too. It might be slow going at first but I have a bunch of ideas and in time this is the place to start piecing them together.
Carving out time and space to do this feels like a very possible escape from the weird place, and I have everything to learn and nothing to lose in trying.