July to December 2022

Ooops. I haven’t blogged for six months. Here I try to remember where I’ve been at with life stuff…

Ooops. I haven’t blogged for six months. Here I’ll try to remember where I’ve been at with life stuff and in seperate post I’ll write up allotment progress.

The Depression Saga

I’ve continued to be up and down depression symptoms-wise but always on a upwards health trend when I stand back and look at my progress. Little by little, as my cognitive dysfunction eases I feel more in control of my life which helps my mood in turn.

Being unable to do things that make me me, things that I’m good at and take enjoyment in, things that give me agency, is a factor of acute ill health that makes my mood dip hard regardless of how patient I am with myself in other ways. It makes every day frustrating. But over time I’m regaining my executive functioning and get joy from discovering I can do things that have been absent for the past two years.

I’m very slowly regaining my sense of humour which I’m relieved and happy about. It’s a big part of me that has been missing and continues to be for the most part. My brain struggles to process multiple pieces of information at once which seems to have impacted my ability to interpret jokes and make them. I’ve also struggled with singing except for odd days where my brain functions better than most. Trying to recall the tune alongside lyrics is hard for some reason, which means I’ve only started singing in the shower again over the past few months.

I’m no longer reliant on long walks for my brain to function minimally each day. This means I have more flexability over what I can do in a day but also means I’m probably not exercising as much as I should… So in 2023 I need to find a way to structure walks back into my routine now that the desperation to take them isn’t there.

DIY Master

The end of July / beginning of August I helped my sister do DIY on the house her and her partner have bought. I planned all of the work and materials/tools we needed. I pushed myself to my limit with how much problem solving my brain could take and hours of activity, but I also knew my limit and drew hard lines on the hours I was willing for myself to work each day. After two weeks we had fully redecorated half the downstairs and their main bedroom so they had space to move in their stuff and places to relax and live in while they work on the rest.

It was fun doing DIY and decorating when someone else was paying for it too. My sister’s inlaws have decided I need to setup my own painting and decorating business after admiring my work.

I’ve also continued fixing up the allotment and collecting wood and materials to do so. A lot of the work I did at the end of the year focused on building pathways between beds with carboard and wood chip and drawing plans for work I need to carry out in January and February.

The Way of The Arcane Trickster

I’ve continued playing DnD on a weekly basis which has been really valuable for me.

Early on there was a “hiccup” where our group’s original DM turned out to be a very nasty vicious person a few weeks into our campaign. Everyone pulled out of the game and most of us formed a new group out of the flames.

I’d been anxious about joining an online game with people I did not know in real life as I didn’t want to encounter misogyny, health discrimination, or general creeps that bring fetishes or bizare world-views into a hobby. But somehow I’ve lucked out with my current group and we’ve quickly become friends.

It’s given me a sense of community and stability with being able to routinely socialise – something I’ve been missing from my life for a long time. We regularly belly-laugh at each others jokes or the content of our game. Everyone is conscientious and kind towards one another. Monday’s have quickly become my favourite day of the week.

New Year, Not So New Me

My only real resolution for 2023 is to keep on with the effort I’ve been putting into my recovery. I’m constantly evaluating the balance of activities and needs I have and pushing myself to build my capacity.

I’m excited for what 2023 will bring to the allotment. I’ve planned what I’m growing each season and how to manage the space alongside new projects and builds I want to make. I’m hoping sometime this year most of the structural DIY stuff of making beds, removing dying trees, moving greenhouses will be done and following years I’ll just be managing what I want to grow.

I want to bring in more perenial crops to reduce the amount of time annual crops take to plant and manage. And the types of crops I’m growing this year should provide food throughout the year. This will be much better for how I manage my time and make it less time intensive in the middle of the year.

I want to try reading theory stuff again and picking up drawing again. They’re both things that take complex processing which I’ve struggled with during my recovery up ’til now. Once I can manage a little of both of these I’ll feel much more like myself.

I’ll have to see where life takes me and keep reminding myself to have fun a long the way.

Things I’ve been watching

Spending time with my sister doing DIY has meant I’ve been brainwashed (a claim I’m sticking to) into watching reality TV. I’ve watched Married At First Sight UK, Big Brother Australia 2020, an unfortunate few episodes of FBoy Island, and maybe some other stuff I can’t remember right now. I kept struggling to get my brain to switch off ready for sleep and watching absolute crap that I could engross my attention in really helped when I was struggling to do the same with comedy or drama series.

I also watched The Traitors which was a reality tv show that seemed to capture a wide audience. At first I was turned off with how stupid the contestants were. I deliberately missed an episode and found out who left in said episode… and needed to know what happend. It’s the only one of these reality tv shows I’ve watched that I genuinely enjoyed and the ending felt worthwhile getting to. I guess other series left me with a “oh god why” self disgust that I’d watched it feeling afterwards.

I watched very few films in the second half of the year. You can see the full ‘films Lauren watched’ list here. The Wonder, a psychological period drama set in 1862 starring Florence Pugh, was a really solid watch. I enjoyed the setup and subsequent payoffs for different story elements and structuring. I love grounded stories about normal people, and throw in interesting storytelling devices it’s my kind of bag. Made and distributed by Netflix so it’s easy to find.

I watched Detectorists for maybe the fourth time. Somehow I never realised Mackenzie Crook wrote and directed Detectorists even though it’s a comfort go-to of mine. Truly a madness on my part but I guess I never realised because I haven’t discussed the series with anyone (and apparently never felt the need to watch the credits). Who knows. But the important thing is: I love it so much.

2 Comments

Also been having a lot of DIY fun this year and much like you, I’ve found it helped a lot with just understanding how a scatterbrained mind like mine can actually get stuff done? Especially as I have a tendency to stay at ‘ideas’ stage. This year learned to strip, prep and varnish a floor as well as refurbish a cupboard which was really cool.

All the best for 2023, I can’t wait to see how the allotment work goes (might even ask for some tips!).

Floor and cupboard DIY sounds fab! In the past I’ve had a little go at giving old chairs TLC with light sanding, waxing and reupholstered seats but I want to do more. There’s something really satisfying about bringing old loved things back to life. Like you say it’s also satisfying to go past ideas stage, factors like needing to live in the space or having a working cupboard push you towards a finished project that you can continue to enjoy for a long time.

Wishing you a happy and healthy 2023 🙂

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